Can dads ace child care? Of course! We chat with the UK’s top dad blogger, John Adams of DadblogUK, who’s helping to show how stay-at-home dads have got everything it takes.
Oddbods: What inspired you to start Dadbloguk?
John: Back in 2011, I gave up my career in PR and communications to become the main carer for our kids, while my wife continued working full-time. I started blogging about my experiences shortly afterward when my daughter Helen was three and a week before Izzy was born.
I wanted to highlight some of the casual sexism I faced as a man taking care of children. I also saw a need to promote fatherhood and masculinity in a positive way. Basically, I just wanted to get across the message that men are perfectly capable.
Oddbods: Tell us about any challenges you’ve faced.
John: When my girls started primary school, that was quite tough because I found mums didn’t like to speak to men they don't know. It is very awkward for a man to approach women they don't know, and it’s easy to be misunderstood.
The focus is on mums through pregnancy and childbirth classes; they’re encouraged to socialise to build up a support network, which often stays in place till nursery and the start of school. In my experience, mums work part-time or don’t work at all, while fathers have to work full-time - so you get many more mums dropping off kids at the school gates. When mums socialise, their children socialise too, and my children got excluded because all the mums knew each other. They weren't particularly interested in letting me in.
I’d been expecting fathers to make fun of me [as a stay-at-home dad] and mums to be reasonably welcoming. Yet, in fact, men were actually curious and wanted to know more. I was pretty surprised to see a genuine desire from the guys to spend more time with their families. They wanted to know how to do it.
For some women, seeing a man come along and show that he can change a nappy, feed a child, and do the nursery pick-up is a bit of a threat. The reaction wasn't always very warm.
Oddbods: What do you say to people who see childcare as primarily a mother’s role?
John: Women are superb at giving birth and breastfeeding, and some are superb in taking on the main carer role. But some don't want it. And yet, they are forced by society to accept the role as the main carer. In actual fact, once the child is born, nothing stops men from becoming the main carer. For me, this idea that women are natural carers has to be challenged.
Oddbods: Do you see yourself as different from other fathers?
John: Yes! Interestingly, as time has gone by, I’ve noticed a huge difference between myself and full-time working fathers. A full-time working father can be very involved and hands-on. But I sort of have a test to ask them if they’ve ever taken their child to a medical appointment for a vaccination, for example. Have they ever organised their child’s trip to the dentist? And finally – as a bonus point – have they ever taken their child to the optician? There’s rarely a father who has done those things. But I've done all of them, as have most mums.
This isn’t a criticism. Most dads are really good at taking their kids out on a Saturday morning or Sunday afternoon to give mum some time to herself at home. Ten years ago, that generally wasn’t happening. But a genuinely hands-on dad does all this other stuff too.
Oddbods: How would you persuade a father to become a stay-at-home dad?
John: Firstly, you’re being a trailblazer! Although, it didn't really feel that way to me – I was simply trying to look after my kids, which I thought was quite a normal thing to do. But very few men actually give up their job to do it – so you would be revolutionary.
Secondly, it’s a blessing to spend so much time with your kids. And I think it has been emphasised to dads during the pandemic. Many men have been at home more, and they've seen aspects of family life they just didn't know about before.
And finally, you will have a relationship with your children that very few other men have. That’s really something to treasure.
I’d also add an essential piece of advice, and that’s to address the future financial implications on your pension. This can impact mothers when they take five or more years out of the workforce. If you’re going to be a stay-at-home dad, you’re going to face the same challenge, so you need to think about that.
Oddbods: How do you relax and enjoy some me-time?
John: During the pandemic, it has been challenging to get out – I am sure many parents can relate to this. I love walking – my wife thinks I am mad because I will often take myself off for a walk at nine o'clock at night. I also try to keep up with friends and meet them for lunch when my kids are at school. I keep promising myself that I will start meditation as well. This is something I really should do!
Oddbods: Any tips for stay-at-home dads?
John: I hate to put myself out there as a role model and pretend that I have a smooth life. Because I don't! One thing we actually need is, to be honest, and not believe everything that every parent posts online. I suggest getting advice from speaking to parents who have children of a similar age, reading books by experts, and watching YouTube videos. And remember, there is no perfect way that works for everyone!
Oddbods: Do you see attitudes to stay-at-home dads changing?
John: There’s been a radical shift in how we look at fathers' involvement in family life in the past 20 years. In the UK, I noticed a significant change when shared parental leave was introduced in 2015. That move was supremely successful in getting people to discuss men's roles in their children's early years.
I look forward to the next steps and for stay-at-home dads to be widely accepted, and more people realise that men can fulfill a caregiving role for kids.
Oddbods: Thank you, John! Some inspiring thoughts for Oddbods’ dads everywhere!
John Adams lives near London in the UK with his wife Gill and two daughters. Apart from writing his multi-award-winning DadblogUK, he regularly appears on TV and radio, commenting on all manner of family, parenting, and lifestyle issues.
